I don’t remember my exact place or age when I had this realization, but at some point, it hit me:
Everything is not about me.
I know it sounds overly simplistic and obvious, but let me explain.
Growing up, from our own perspective, everybody else is just everybody else. It’s like everyone is just a part of “your” story.
You know what I’m talking about.
Some people never grow out of this way of thinking, and it boxes them in. When you’re able to go beyond this mindset, you can live a more compassionate, caring, and loving life.
It really expands your view.
You start to understand that it’s not always about right and wrong—sometimes it’s just about different perspectives.
It’s small-minded to think that everything revolves around us.
There are so many people out there right now—working, living, and going through their own struggles. There were so many before us, and there will be so many after us.
In the times when you’re happy, somebody out there is sad. In the times when you’re sad, somebody out there is happy. Their experience is just as strong as yours. And to them, it’s everything. Just like it is to you. That’s wild to me.
Not too long ago, while I was reading, I came across a word that blew my mind. It’s rare as an adult to come across a word that stops you in your tracks, but this one really did.
The word is sonder.
And it’s one of my favorite words now.
Sonder is defined as the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries, and inherited craziness.
It’s the realization of that. So, it actually takes place in your mind.
The reason this hit me so hard is because it’s one of those things that I’ve always talked about or brought up around my friends or family.
It’s my kind of thinking. But normally, when I talk about this type of thing, the level of excitement is not reciprocated, so I keep most of it to myself.
But when I came across this word and its definition, it brought a communal energy with it.
It was like, “Dang, other people are thinking about this stuff too.”
As I get more mature, I progressively realize this to a deeper degree.
The more I realize it, the more compassion and empathy I have for others.
For this reason, I believe this idea could change our world for the better.
Each person has their own unique strengths and weaknesses. Each person has their own struggles. We’ve all grown up with different circumstances and influences. So how could we really, fully understand someone else?
For the most part, we try to define others based on our own experiences and perspectives. But sonder is like a new start.
If you’re willing to go deeper, you’ll understand that it’s self-righteous to judge somebody else if you don’t know everything they’ve seen, heard, and been influenced by.
I know it sounds terrible, but I’ve seen it a lot in the church.
You think you know where somebody is, but you really don’t.
The answer is kindness and empathy and an understanding that you don’t actually know what’s going on with somebody.
You don’t know what they’ve seen, where they’ve been, how they’ve been influenced, and you don’t know the way they think.
Marriage has taught me a lot about that.
I understand my wife now, but I didn’t always.
We assume people think like we do. But they don’t. Their story is different, and their genetics are different.
So many times, I thought I knew exactly what my wife was thinking, and after talking to her about it, I realized her brain works completely differently than mine.
I don’t even know how she gets what she gets out of some things. And that’s my wife! The closest person to me.
Even the closest people to us can be so different. So how can we assume things about other people?
The same even goes for the people that have such a narrow point of view that always cast judgment.
We don’t actually know why they’re like that.
I know it’s not always easy, but it’s great when you can come from a place of forgiveness and understand that they don’t understand yet.
And they may never.
But not everybody is willfully ignorant. Some people just don’t know any better. Some people haven’t had that realization yet.
And for most of us, there has been something we’ve gone through that makes us react the way we do.
We’re human. We’re not perfect.
None of us.
Nobody has it all figured out.
People can be clowns sometimes, I know. But you gotta realize that you’re a person, and even you’re a clown sometimes.
I know I am.
And I do my best to overlook flaws, but sometimes you just have to let people know.
That can be part of their journey that shapes them too.
So, I challenge you to think about this: sonder—the realization that everyone you see is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.
What would change if you truly understood that? How would your interactions, your empathy, and your perspective shift?
This idea could change the world— and it starts with me and you.
I know it was short this week and I know it was different than most of my topics, but I wanted to switch it up a little.
I hope you have a great rest of the week!
if you haven’t yet, I’d love for you to get a copy of my book “NVR SETTLE.” I think you’ll be encouraged by it!
Don’t forget to find me on my socials @zachbanes and subscribe to the newsletter on my site and the YouTube channel where I do stuff like this EVERY WEEK!
Until next week!
I’m your friend. I’m your brother. It’s ya boy,
Zach Banes